Please understand this is a first draft and I’m to dam lazy to correct the type-Os

Now you’re saying to yourself, “DAMN, that's all you figured out after a year of research.” Well I had a head full of what I thought was knowledge, but it paled in comparison to my chance encounter. An encounter that bestowed upon me 20 years of expatriate experience. Experience that money, and I don't care how much you have, would ever be able to duplicate. I have forgotten already more information then the rest of us will ever know about LOS.

OK, on to the trip. I buttoned up my rental property because I planed for a one month trip. This is some of the knowledge I learned on my own. I have to say, if you’re going for the first time and you can take a month it's the recommended introduction to LOS.

As I tied up my loose ends, friends of mine were concerned, SARS had just broken out in south East Asia. I said "fock-it", I had planned on this trip for far too long to have some damn mini-pandemic screw with my vacation.

THANK GOD for SARS, this was the mechanism that landed me in the library of LOS.

I get on the plane, a 747 headed to LOS. There were a total of 12 people on the flight. 12 damn people on the whole plane. At first we were all looking around thinking, “HELL YA I'll get to stretch out on this long @ss 13 hour flight.” BUT wait, the stewardess came back and moved us all to 1st class. YUP, lobster, reclining chairs, my own screen, and Champaign wooooohoo. This was a sign!

We all of course spaced out and got real comfortable, ate our meal and ordered bottle after bottle of the bubbly stuff. Taking a que from one of the gents sitting next to me, we "ordered by the glass and hit on the stewardess when she came around." Really, I was the only one HITTING on the girls, the gents were just playing grabass. Really they were grabbing, stroking, feeling up the dam stewardesses!

That's what dirty old men do, LOL!!!

THEY EARNED IT

I can't wait to get older, you get away with so much more

Halfway in to the flight the dozen of us get chatty. The flight is made up of me, going to turn 30 on this vacation, a guy you would expect to see at the local TEMP help agency. He was going to the Philippines to meet his on-line love. The other ten guys were 60 and up. All headed to the Land of Smiles on there last trip finalizing the paperwork on there retirement homes. Nothing special, they weren't captains of industry just middle income guys that found out about this little Paradise in their 40's, and have been coming here ever since.

The dynamic ten found out first how old I was; second, that it was my first trip to LOS; and that I had never been married (as one of them put it, "if you are you wont be when you get back”).

Then Christmas came (in May)!

The next thing you know every one of them changed seats and was sitting around me like we were having a POW WOW smoke in a tepee tent. One was talking over the other.  They were asking: “what hotel are you staying at;” “what city are you going to stay in;” do you play golf;” “you’re only 30 - damn I wish I was 30 and know what I know now;” “son you are so far ahead of the game coming here at your age and your not married and no kids;” “SH!T.”

On & on & on & on!  Then they started in on story time. Just imagine the articles and PICs you see and read about in the group, but have ten older gents narrating the story lines. My damn stomach hurt sooo bad.  I was crying it was so damn funny! That flight took all of 5 seconds. Between story time and them calling for more bubbly to play grabass with the stewardess, I have never had so much fun on a flight. Think about it: a 747 with 10 drunken horny old men, chasing a dozen Chinese stewardesses around the plane for entertainment.

I'm laughing right now while writing this, GOD dam it was funny!

As we came closer to BKK, I kinda described what I had intended on doing for this trip. They all just nodded wrinkled their bottom lips and made a sound like “hummmmm.” And like pop-corn they started chirping, talking to each other and over one another; “Jerry & I are at the Dynasty, Frank Tom Bill & Garry are at the Nana, and the rest of us are heading to Pattaya.” Meanwhile the plane parked and all of us are grabbing our carry-ons and starting to disembark. When one of the guys puts his arm around my shoulder and says, "Son tell ya what were going to do, were going to show you around town".

And this was where my first lesson began:

Tourist-Pricing, Expat-Pricing, & the Thai-Price. He explained as we all walked off the plane the pricing structure (something I never came across in my research) and said, "we are going to show you the who-what-when-where-why-&-how of Thailand. All we ask of you is to pass it on to the next bastard that escapes".

I said "I can do that chief"!!!

We came to find out that these guys made up a schedule from the hip as we walked from the plane to immigration. It was like I was a long lost grandchild and the grandpa's were fighting for custody. It was hilarious! By the time we got through customs half the guys were headed to Pattaya right away and the other half were going to mill about in Bangkok for a week then head down to Pattaya. So my schedule solved the time sharing issue, LOL! I was staying in Bangkok for the first week, and then to Pattaya for the last three.

Every one made it through customs and I said, “good bye,” and, “I'll see ya in a week.”

I took their business cards and learned lesson two:

Transportation to your hotel: never take a limo - or company type transport from the airport to your hotel. Only take a metered taxi and never negotiate a price, just take the meter or you will pay too much.

Continue to page #2

Shared a taxi to the Nana, total cost about $10 divided by 2 = 5-bucks for a 45 minute ride in an air conditioned car across town. On check-in was given

Lesson 3:

When getting a room at the Nana, take a room above the 6th floor.  Less noise and a much better view but doesn't cost a penny more ( now Bangkok City Suites is the recommended place to stay, Nana is still ok but you can't beat the price of the BCS, plus its new. Or even NasaVegas hotel not as new but a great price ).

To the room to drop my bags. Then headed to Bill's room for a nip of that Johnny Walker we picked up in the duty free right after customs.  Listened to and viewed some of his great adventures while sipping the Johnny Walker over ice. A few hours later (about 3pm BKK time) we redeemed our complimentary cocktail in the Nana lounge. Then leisurely strolled through the lobby looking at the little phishes swimming about and Bill shaking hands with about every one in the lobby. It was like watch Norm enter Cheers. We made our way out to the Golden Bar.

Where I learned lesson 4:

The place where if you sit long enough you see some one you know. Really, it’s the perfect fall back point that only the seasoned know about.

We met the rest of the guys and I was introduced to the girls of Golden.

Again another lesson 5:

The guys explained to me that you don't boom boom the Golden's girls, that's for the tourists. To them, the Golden's girls were more like good old fashion girl friends (like Noo & her click). You should always buy them a drink or two or three. Bar is fine them for dinner & a movie, but just as friends.  Keep it that way, because they can teach you and show you the inside track to living like Thai in Bangkok: where the tourists go and where the locals go. You'll end up with ten times the entertainment value for a tenth of the price. They (Noo & her click) are the ambassadors of good will in Bangkok.

Off to the Bamboo Bar for happy hour and a couple games of pool. Eat some BBQ from the street vendors (no worries very safe) It costs about 0.20cents a stick for chicken - beef – shrimp.  A dollar goes a long way when filling up your gut. After drinking a lot of Carlsberg and Heineken and shooting more pool then I usually do, some one mentioned their feet were sore and could use a foot spa.

On to lesson 6:

From Nana take Soi-4 to Sukimvit hang a right behind the police booth on the corner. Look to your right as you navigate through the vendors for a set of stairs with gray-ish blue carpet, white-ish walls, and a silver hand rail. There is only one set of stairs in that area. You'll climb stairs that are set at a 70 degree angle (it’s oddly steep) and find the best message place in Bangkok.  Right under every ones nose, and yet they will all pay two to three times more then you when getting any kind of message.

By this time it's getting on in the evening and the gents are starting to feel a little frisky.  We shuffled back to the Golden and debated where to take the youngster next.  

During this debate fruit was ordered from the street vendor Pineapple, Mango, several local Thai-fruits and inhaled as soon as it hit the table. Finally a decision was made and I was introduced to,

Lesson number 7:

and its infamous history, the Thermea Cafe.

I understand this place has a unique history from the Vietnam War. The CIA and intelligence community along with some of the seedier personalities of the world frequented the Cafe and often did business there. It is a bar over flowing with freelancers. Ladies that have regular 9 to 5 jobs or collage students looking to make a couple extra bucks, putting to good use what Mother Nature gave them and what western men can't get enough of  Thank GOD they have more supply then demand.

This has nothing to do with a quality issue, i.e.: supply, there's just sooo damn much of it, it's heaven.

We throw back a few more Heinee’s and a couple of the gents hooked up with some fine looking 20-somethings.  I said, "Hell I better get a move on."  Bill replied, "Chill, we have plenty of time.   Those pussies are going to turn in early because they have a tee time in the morning. We still have another place to hit".

Another thing you need to keep in mind as you read this, these guys were picking up the tab on every thing. I would try to pick up a tab or two to be sporting, BUT NO you're the new guy. We got it!

Which brings us to lesson 8:

We all head out to the street, every one has a HOT @ss chick except for Bill & I. We line up 3 or 4 taxis and head back to the Nana. They go up to there room for some boom boom, and Bill & I swim through the phishes to Angels Club inside the Nana hotel (about midnight). 

The place was packed @sshole to elbow with women. Really guys they out number the men 10 to 1 and I may even be under stating it, NO SH!T it could easily be 20 to 1, I kid you not. Somehow Bill finds me and stuffs several oddly colored drinks in my pie-hole. Meanwhile we were people watching, commenting to one another about the chicks on the dance floor.

At this same time each of us has a smokin’ hot chick on either side of us molesting our genitalia.  Between the freakishly colored drinks and the spontaneous prostate exam I was feeling very frisky and very very drunk. I leaned over to Bill to yell my thoughts to him but he beat me to the punch. Unlike him I have very good hearing. Once the ringing in my ear stopped, I understood and he understood that it was boom boom time.

Have you ever been so drunk you had to strain to keep your eyes open? Well by the time I hit my door that was the predicament I found my self in. YUP, a fine specimen of femininity lying naked on my bed and I had a dick as limp as your grandma's noodle casserole. FOCK, now what?

Wait, I remember Bill talking about Viagra. Told the vixen, "bree wite back". Boom, out the door and across the hall, thank god he wasn't far away. Tap tap tap, ya, Bill, ya, need some help.

No I don't need any help, NO focker i need help.

He opens the door -whaaat- “gimme some Viagra I'm too drunk.”  I get the little blue devil and I only take half because I had never used it before, I didn't know how I would react. Stumbled back to the room took a shower, and “da da da,” puppy power; I mean “da da da,” greyhound power! Like I was 14 in Miss Turners Sex-Ed class again.

 Page #3

The next morning I was up in time to catch my complimentary Nana breakfast. I sat in the lobby, sipping on a little pot of coffee until the gents came back from their tee time.  Bill emerged with his pretty little conquest from the night before.  I did eat breakfast with my girl then tipped her 500bht and sent her on her way before the rest of the gents returned. We sat around and shot the sh!t until lunch.

When I took in Lesson 9:

One of the better lunch specials offered in the Nana area, just happens to be offered in NEP (Nana Entertainment Plaza) along with a really good happy hour. The place we went to was through the entrance and immediately up to your left on the second floor. It's decorated with bamboo or wood for the wall coverings and over looks the Nana parking lot along with the entrance to NEP.

During lunch they asked me what tourist type stuff I wanted to do? I of course want to check out the palace, the floating market, Thai-Boxing, Etc.

They odiously had other things to do besides showing me that time consuming but necessary exercise. They referenced Lesson 5, and sent me on my way with a very attractive young lady. To speed things up I'll describe the week’s schedule.

The Gents would have me wake up late morning grab a young lady and take a tour either from Nana Hotel or take a meter taxi to the destination, for example for the Grand Palace you would take a taxi. All of this was dependent on convenience, scheduled tour vs. Taxi. BUT every late afternoon when I returned, my newly adopted grandfathers would be waiting for me in the lobby eager to show me another cool spot.

You know traveling is great, and it’s even better when like minded mongers can share there stories & guide newbie’s to the best phishing holes. Over the next 4 or 5 days I hit all the touristy stuff and the gentlemen showed me the mongers path: Kangaroo's & A Kaeng Topless Bar in Patpong; Lolitas Soi 8; phishing in Nana hotel's parking lot after 2AM; the drive up pick your poon behind Siam Hotel; the beer garden for a quickie and lunch; Eden Club Soi 7/1; the cheapest Internet place in town SMILE NET & ART between Soi 11 & 13; and the best place to entertain a large group of people the COLISEUM brew arena between Soi 38 and 40.

To be honest I can't remember the rest of what they showed me in Bangkok, believe me I haven't even scratched the surface. BUT that's what trip reports are all about, reminding us or informing us of little gems over looked by the rest of the Falang.

That being said we will skip to the next leg of the journey PATTAYA.

How about it Lesson 10:

Another one about transportation in LOS. Whether you take an air conditioned coach, hire a taxi, or some damn "Limo" it will take at least one hour if not two depending on traffic.

Lesson 10.5 cars don't get there any faster then the AC coach, so save your money and spend 3 dollars on a coach ride and put the other 47 dollars toward your next two or three entertainments. The last coach I took, there were a total of 6 people.  I had all the space in the world to stretch out and nap.

By the way, take a meter taxi to Ekimai bus station, they leave on the hour every hour from 7AM to 10PM.

This MUST be getting pretty stale because I unfortunately don't have any PICs from that first trip. I do have video tape but no ones going to see that, he he he he.

OK instead of babbling on & on about every days events and what these guys showed me, I will create a list of things to do and recommended places to stay.

Recommended Accommodations

Options to stay at in Pattaya:

I recommend the White Inn on second road. The price is 10 bucks a night.  It’s an older place, but clean; right in the middle of everything, and easy to find when sh!t faced.

Your next place if looking for something other then a hotel. You can rent a condo for about 225 a month, but you'll have to pay for water and electric. The best set up is actually right next to Panida's salon. When you stop in there for your treatment you can ask them about getting a condo. The condos I'm speaking of have a pool on the third floor. To me the couple extra you'll pay for the hotel is worth clean sheets & towels and room cleaning every day.

I AM A SLOB. I MUST HAVE SOME ONE CLEAN UP AFTER ME. I DEMAND CLEANLINESS!

The next option is to rent a 2 bedroom house in a gated community for 250-bucks a month.  Again, there’s water and electric that you'll have to pay; and maid service if you need it. Do this through Suksibai Villa's.  And you'll want to think about renting a motor bike to get around. The house is not going to be 15 paces from the action in places like the White Inn.

Recommended Entertainment

For cheep drinks and a quickie go to Welkom Inn it’s located between Soi 3 & 4 all the Gents hang out there.  You can even bring in a bottle and store it behind the bar. You'll just have to pay for the soda to mix your drink. This place ROCKS! ShortTime runs like 10-12 bucks and they have a bunch of chicks.

The next best place is to swim through the phishes while you walk down beach road. Many a bargain can be had there. BUT from what I understand now, the market dries up after dark; new ordinances about selling your goods on beach road after dark. I don't know.  I have never really phished there after dark.

Good Beer Bars, and loads of gals in Soi 8.  Sorry I don't have PICs.  It really comes down to what you want that night in atmosphere: loud music, or sip a beer and watch TV while the ladies scramble for your attention.

Now for down and dirty short time, titty bar, feel you up while you chat with your mates, just about anything in Soi 6 will fill that bill.

Cheeeeep Eats

The first one is found on Second road behind Mike's shopping mall, KISS Café, good breakfast, and great prices.

The best seafood prices in town, it’s called 99bht. YUP it costs 99bht and it’s a buffet. Out by 3rd Road / Sukimvit. You can ask the gals in Panida's old salon they know where it's located.

STAY AWAY FROM

Places to stay away from TONY's, Sabi Massage, Sabi Dee Massage, Hard Rock Cafe, Lobster POT on Walking Street.  THE RUSSIANS are crack heads, stay away from the great white whales. You didn't travel half way around the world to consort with trailer park trash, DID YA?

Ok, even I'm growing tired of this article. YOUNG & DIRTY - JERRY and the rest of you vets need to bust out your typing fingers, and don't forget PICs.

I have more, but like I said, it kinda looses a little bit in translation with out an accompanying slide show.

I do look forward to reading your trip reports, keep them coming!!!

Karl